It is crazy that our moods have such a huge impact on our life. At times I feel happy, at times I feel sad. There are times I am on top of the world and times I feel at the bottom of the totem pole. Sometimes I am just fine, sometimes I feel refined, and times I feel undefined. This is what it is to deal with Bi-Polar syndrome.
It was junior year in high school I noticed I felt something was wrong with me psychologically. I could be going through my day just fine and within seconds I would sink into a depressive state. I wanted to escape where I was and go into complete solitude. Then, given some time, I would feel just fine. Then somedays I would feel extremely eccentric and had an incredible amount of energy. I would speak so fast that my thoughts would race out faster than my mouth was able to project them out. It was hard for me to understand why somedays I woke up feeling I could do anything, and somedays I felt like I couldn't do anything at all. My friends and family found me unpredictable and knew I had something wrong with me. My mom's first assumption was that I was on drugs. In my manic episodes she would look at me as if I was someone she didn't even know. The ironic thing is at the time I didn't even know who I was. On a sport physical I mentioned to a doctor how I had mood swings and if he could offer any type of explanation. He had no answer but then insisted I speak to a psychiatrist. As much as I hated the fact that I was to go to a psychiatrist, my mother made me go insisting it is for my own good. So I went against my own will, and glad I did because in doing so he diagnosed me as Bi-Polar Type 2. My first thoughts were that I was schizophrenic and cursed with this burden. I didn't want to tell anyone afraid that they would think of me as some mentally unstable person. Though I had my mood swings, I was the same person I have always been.
I was prescribed a drug called Lithium to balance out my moods and I completely hated it. Though it helped keep me stable while I was on it, when I wasn't I felt even more depressed than ever. On top of that it made me feel like a zombie void of emotion. Plus, I was playing soccer at the time and it really had a negative effect on my performance. I felt slowed down and since it would thin my blood, I would bleed out my nose when I exerted myself. I completely hated taking the drug, so after 2 months I discontinued taking it. I would rather deal with it myself than go through life dependent on a drug that me to an emotionless body.
I have dealt with disorder since high school and I kind of think of it as a gift and curse. There are three phases of it. The manic phase is when I am very energetic, upbeat, and overly excited. Then I have my neutral phase where I am normal like everyone else. The final phase is the depressive state, which is the one I despise most. It causes me to sink into a state of paranoia and sadness. Through experiences I have found ways to control it naturally. I have noticed that when I am not working, playing a sport, reading, drawing, or anything productive is when I get my mood swings. So it forces me to stay busy and productive in a good way. It has me doing things in order to prevent me from getting depressed.
I would say the hardest part is trying to have someone understand where I am coming from. People find it hard to understand how I can switch from happy to sad quite rapidly. Especially when I was involved in a relationship, it was much harder to make her understand since she thought it was her fault. I felt bad that she felt burdened by it too. Also, the hard part is letting people know because they assume that being bipolar makes you crazy which is not the case. I am just like everyone, except I switch moods involuntarily. I used to keep it a secret, but I feel it is not anything to hide and is why I write about it. It actually feels good writing about it because I am reflecting myself, and helps me understand me a little better.
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